[Setting: Jerry is sitting in his apartment. Boxes of cereal and various cleaning supplies can be seen stacked in the background. The phone rings. Jerry is sitting on his couch and answers.]
BANIA: Hello?! Jerry?
JERRY: Oh, hi Bania. Hey it’s really not a great time -
BANIA: Jerry! Have I got some great jokes for you! This quarantine is gold Jerry, gold! Say Jerry, tell me what you think of my joke, will ya?
JERRY: [Sighing] Alright, I guess.
BANIA: So I was going out with this lady recently and she said she was sick and couldn’t see me anymore. But I was suspicious so I asked her what her symptoms were, and all she would say is that she had a case of Corona. Later I snuck over and found out she had a case of Corona beer at home. Get it Jerry? Corona? Beer? I’m telling you Jerry, it’s gold!
JERRY: It’s just not very realistic. You’re at home in quarantine, how would you have found out she had Corona beer at home?
BANIA: It’s funny Jerry! Here’s another one -
JERRY: Bania I got a call on the other line, I gotta go.
BANIA: But Jerry -
[Jerry switches lines]
HELEN: Hello? Jerry?
JERRY: Oh, hi Mom. How are things in Del Boca Vista?
HELEN: Well Jerry, we’re cooped up in this bungalow and your father is trying to watch an episode of Matlock he recorded on the VCR. But it’s at the end of the tape and he doesn’t know how to watch what we recorded.
JERRY: Oh, well he probably just needs to rewind -
HELEN [shouting to Morty offscreen]: Yes Morty, I’m talking to Jerry right now! Yes, I’m asking him how you can watch your show. No, I don’t know if they have toilet paper in New York. Jerry, do you have toilet paper in New York?
JERRY: Yes Mom, we have toilet paper here, I mean I guess some places are sold out, but you can still find it. But I think what Dad needs to do is -
HELEN: [again shouting to Morty offscreen] Yes Morty, he says they have toilet paper! Well how should I know if they still have steaks there? Jerry, your father wants to know if they still have steak in the stores there. Apparently the stores here are all sold out and your father is dying for an Omaha steak.
JERRY: Yes, yes, we still have steak, but what I’m trying to say is that Dad can easily watch his show if he just rewinds -
HELEN: Oh sorry Jerry, Jack Klompus just stopped by. We’ll call you back later!
JERRY: Jack Klompus? Aren’t you all supposed to be socially dist -
HELEN: [Helen cuts him off] Goodbye Jerry!
JERRY: OK, goodbye I guess.
[Jerry sits back down on his couch with a bowl of cereal. Suddenly he hears something moving outside his apartment. He sits up. The lock on his apartment door slowly starts to turn. With a look of horror, Jerry jumps to his feet as Kramer opens the door.]
JERRY: Kramer?! What are you doing? Get out of here!
KRAMER: [looking sheepish while standing in the doorway but slowly moving into the apartment and rubbing his hand in his hair] Oh, uh, Jerry, I thought you wouldn’t be home.
JERRY: Kramer, we’re all under lockdown, where else could I possibly be? Why are you in my apartment? You’re supposed to be socially distancing!
KRAMER: Yeah well, I think those are supposed to be more guidelines than actual rules.
JERRY: I’m pretty sure they’re actual rules. You know, with the force of law?
KRAMER: Maybe. Jerry, I need your help.
[As he moves closer into the apartment, Jerry continues to back away.]
JERRY: Oh no Kramer, sorry, but this apartment is a sanitized sanctuary free of germs or viruses of any kind. And now you’re bringing in who knows what from a coronarivus-infested outside world! You need to get out of here right now Kramer!
KRAMER: Well Newman and I need space to store some, uh, “items” and I thought your freezer might have some extra room.
JERRY: Why not store these “items” in your freezer?
KRAMER: Well, I would, but my freezer is full of an assortment of frozen fish sticks.
JERRY: I’m not even going to ask. What about Newman’s freezer?
KRAMER: Well he purchased a lifetime supply of Ben & Jerry’s when he heard a pandemic was coming. So he’s full up too.
JERRY: What do you even need to store anyways?
KRAMER: Omaha steaks Jerry! My friend Bob Sacamano owns a huge freezer that was full of them. Now we have a wealthy buyer in upstate New York, and we need to get them to him. But with everything shut down we can’t rent a truck so we’re going to pack them in ice and run them up in Newman’s mail truck. We’re going to make a fortune Jerry!
JERRY: [sarcastically] Yes, I’m sure running an illicit steak smuggling ring out of a garage is a surefire way to wealth beyond your wildest dreams.
KRAMER: Jerry this is Grade A beef! Those people need these steaks!
JERRY: Well, your kind hearted do-gooding should be a model for us all. Sorry Kramer, I don’t want anything to do with your little scheme!
[Newman walks in. Jerry turns to look at him and narrows his eyes.]
NEWMAN: Hello Jerry. I didn’t realize your apartment was the new local watering hole.
JERRY: Hello [drawing out the word], Newman.
NEWMAN: [to Kramer] Well, is he going to help us?
KRAMER: Well, how about it Jerry?
JERRY: Well as tempting as it is to have you two knuckleheads traipsing in and out of my apartment uninvited at all hours of the day and night moving illicit steaks in and out of my freezer, I think I’ll sit this one out.
KRAMER: Your loss Jerry.
JERRY: Actually I really don’t think it is. Get out, both of you!
KRAMER: You’ll see Jerry, you’ll see!
[Kramer and Newman leave. Once they’re safely out Jerry slams the door shut and starts feverishly washing his hands, wiping down the door handle, and then spraying everywhere with his Lysol]
JERRY: [to himself] I really need to get some more locks on this place. And take back Kramer’s key!
[Setting: Jerry is sitting back on his couch and about to turn on the TV. Jerry picks up the remote and then the phone rings. He picks it up.]
GEORGE: Hello Jerry? It’s George.
JERRY: Oh hey George. You’ll never guess who I had to kick out of my apartment earlier today.
GEORGE: Kramer is using that old key huh? What did he want this time?
JERRY: Oh he and Newman have some hairbrained scheme to run a bunch of Omaha steaks to upstate New York. Apparently Bob Sacamano has a huge freezer full of them and they’re moving them in Newman’s mail truck tonight.
GEORGE: Bob Sacamano huh? Well see if he’ll leave a couple of those for me, eh? Hey Jerry, I got a bit of a problem over here.
JERRY: Mr. Constanza, are you still trying to get fired so you can get those extra unemployment benefits?
GEORGE: Sadly no, Mr. Steinbrenner has generously offered to keep everyone employed at half salary during this whole thing. But we’re still working full time! I dream of the day I get laid off and paid not to work Jerry, I dream of it! Sitting at home watching TV and having the government pay me for the privilege. How could life get better?
JERRY: Yeah you’re a real go-getter.
GEORGE: Yeah. Jerry listen to me, remember Jenny, that girl I was seeing the last few weeks before they shut the city down? Well, I think she’s breaking the quarantine to cheat on me.
JERRY: Why? How would you even know she was breaking quarantine?
GEORGE: Well I like to call her at random intervals just to make sure she’s still at home. Make sure there aren’t any other men over there, you know.
JERRY: Well of course we know you’re the trusting type.
GEORGE: I am. Anyways, recently I’ve been calling her and she hasn’t always been answering. She always has an excuse, like “Oh I was in the bathroom,” or “Oh I was talking to my mother who is in the hospital with COVID-19.” But I don’t trust her Jerry.
JERRY: How dare she make up such flimsy excuses for you? Is her mother really in the hospital?
GEORGE: Yeah she might have mentioned it, I can’t really remember. Anyways, what do I do Jerry? I think I need to go over there.
JERRY: [standing up] George you can’t go over there! You know you’re not supposed to leave your apartment except for essential activities. And I hardly think spying on your home-bound gal pal is an essential activity.
GEORGE: [shrugging] Seems pretty essential to me.
JERRY: Yes, your paranoid delusions certainly count as essential activity.
GEORGE: I think so. OK Jerry I’m going to come up with a plan to get to the bottom of this.
JERRY: You do that.
[They hang up. Scene ends.]
[Scene: Elaine’s apartment. Elaine is sitting on her couch. Elaine’s Canadian boyfriend, Chad Basque, enters the room.]
CHAD: Elaine do you have any of those Smarties candies? I really have a craving for some of those right now.
ELAINE: Sorry Chad [saying his name with barely disguised disgust, without him noticing], I don’t have any of those. Somehow I didn’t anticipate you being stuck at my apartment for three weeks because your flight back to Canada was canceled and then the border was closed.
CHAD: [smiling] Thank you for sharing that Elaine. May I go into the kitchen and see what else you have?
ELAINE: [with her sweetest smile] Of course dear.
[Chad leaves and walks into the kitchen. Elaine picks up the phone and calls Jerry]
ELAINE: [In a hushed but urgent whisper] Jerry!
ELAINE: Jerry! This guy is still at my apartment and he is driving me crazy. I can’t stand it Jerry.
JERRY: Well I told you it was a bad idea to have him fly all the way in from Canada when a global pandemic was heating up and you told me it would all be fine.
ELAINE: Well I didn’t know -
[Chad walks back into the room]
ELAINE: Oh yes, Chad, you know he’s just a dear, been so lovely to have him here with me these past few weeks.
[Chad smiles and continues walking out of the living room and into the bedroom.]
ELAINE: [back to her hushed whisper] I can’t stand him Jerry! I can’t stand him! He’s so polite and nice and so dull Jerry. All he can talk about is hockey and how much he misses real maple syrup.
JERRY: Yeah, he sounds like a real walking stereotype.
ELAINE: And somehow he’s a grown man but he can’t cook and asks me for permission to do everything. Everything! A grown man asking for permission to use the bathroom Jerry! And he keeps saying “eh” when he talks. I’m losing it here!
JERRY: Well maybe they can send some of those flying Canadian geese back down to pick him up.
ELAINE: [dripping with sarcasm] Very funny Jerry.
JERRY: Well send him out for groceries or something, get him out of the house.
ELAINE: I can’t, he claims he will get lost in a foreign city. And on top of that he refuses to wear a mask. Says people will call him Chad Basque with the mask.
JERRY: Well it does have quite a ring to it.
ELAINE: Huh. I’ll have to figure out something soon or I’m going to kill him Jerry.
JERRY: Well at least you already have plenty of Lysol on hand.
ELAINE: At this rate I might need it.
[Setting: It’s dark out, George is standing on the street looking up at Jenny’s lit apartment in the building above.]
GEORGE: [muttering to himself] She’s got someone up there. I know she does!
[George stands outside waiting. He spots someone leaving the building and casually walks forward. As the door starts to close, he grabs it and slips inside the building. He furtively walks up the stairs towards Jenny’s apartment. Once he gets to the door, he puts his ear against it and listens. Hearing nothing, he tests the door, which is unlocked, and slowly enters the apartment and tiptoes inside. It’s dimly lit inside, but he sees a light under the door in one of the bedrooms.
[Voices are talking in low tones inside]
MALE VOICE: I’m really glad you called me. It’s been too long and it’s so great to see you. I know we’ve had our difficulties in our past but I’m glad this has brought us together.
JENNY: I’m really glad you’re here with me during all of this too. I couldn’t do it without you. And it’s really nice to have the company.
[George bursts into the room and stands in the doorway. There’s a suitcase stacked against the wall and blankets and sheets stacked on the bed. Jenny and a man are standing apart and talking]
GEORGE: [Waving his arm in the air] Aha! Caught red handed! I knew you were cheating on me. What do you have to say for yourself now, Jenny? And who is this bozo?
JENNY: [Shocked] George? What are you doing here?
MARK [A tall, large man who towers over George menacingly]: Jenny, who is this guy? And who are you calling bozo pal?
GEORGE: [backing up slightly] I happen to be her boyfriend. And who are you?
MARK: I’m her brother you little twerp. I just took my life in my hands to drive up from New Jersey to come visit my sister because our mother is in the hospital with coronavirus and we can’t go see her.
GEORGE: [looking nervous now and wringing his hands] Oh, uh, Jenny is this true?
JENNY: [arms folded] Yes, George. I told you about my mother being in the hospital and my brother Mark coming up to help support me. You do remember that, don’t you George?
GEORGE: [nervous laughter] Well yes, of course. I was just ah, joking around with you guys. Um, how is your mother by the way? Recovering I hope? [George offers a weak smile]
MARK: [taking a step closer to George and pointing his finger at him] You came here and broke into my sister’s apartment to joke with us about our mother who is dying in a hospital?
GEORGE: [backing away] Well of course not! I was here to bring you some, um…
[There’s a knock at the front door].
POLICE OFFICER: Hello? Anyone in here? We received a report of a suspicious individual slipping into this building and I noticed the door is ajar. Is everyone OK in there?
MARK: [in a loud voice] In here officer! This man broke into my sister’s apartment.
[Mark points at George, who looks nervously around]
POLICE OFFICER [stepping into the room and looking at Jenny]: Ma’am, is this true?
GEORGE: [in a very indignant voice] Officer, I protest! This is my girlfriend, I was just coming over here to offer my love and support.
POLICE OFFICER [ignoring George] Ma’am?
JENNY: I’ve never seen this man before in my life officer.
POLICE OFFICER: [cuffing George] Sir I’m going to have to take you into the station. Just because there’s a pandemic that doesn’t mean you vagabonds can go around breaking into people’s homes without consequence.
GEORGE: No! I’m innocent! Jenny, tell him!
POLICE OFFICER: [handling George roughly] Come on scumbag, let’s go.
[As George walks out with the officer, Mark and Jenny stare at him, arms folded.]
[Elaine is sitting on the couch in her apartment. It’s dark and quiet.]
ELAINE: [Peering into the bedroom] Finally, I thought he’d never fall asleep. I have to get this guy out of here.
[She picks up the phone and dials a number].
KRAMER: This is Cosmo. Who is this?
ELAINE: Kramer, it’s Elaine. I need your help. I have this guy at my apartment -
KRAMER: Chad Basque?
ELAINE [sighing] Yes, Chad Basque. Anyways, he’s driving me crazy and I have to get him out of here. I hear you might be able to help with my little…situation.
KRAMER: Elaine, I don’t know what help you thought you were going to get from me, but I can’t help with this. That part of my past is behind me.
ELAINE: What? I was just talking about getting him across the border back to Canada. What were you talking about?
KRAMER: [voice cracking] Oh, uh, nothing. Well if you are in need of a Goose to move him across the border, I could probably put you in touch with someone who can help you.
ELAINE: A Goose? Is that like a Coyote? Someone who moves people across the border illegally?
KRAMER: Yes. Only in Canada they call them gooses.
ELAINE: [confused] Shouldn’t that be “geese?” Fine, whatever, just tell me what I have to do.
KRAMER: Well then Elaine, listen very carefully to what I’m about to say…
[A little later, the scene opens with Kramer and Newman loading boxes of Omaha steaks onto a US Post Office truck. It’s dark and there’s an open garage door with a freezer unit inside and Kramer is trying to pack the steaks in ice in boxes to move them. Kramer tries to lift one of the boxes packed with ice and steaks and it immediately falls apart, the steaks and ice falling everywhere on the pavement.]
KRAMER: Newman, these boxes are no good! Did you get the double corrugated boxes I asked for?
NEWMAN: [with an air of superiority] Double corrugated? Kramer, I can assure you that the United States Postal Service uses only the finest boxes available.
KRAMER: So why are these boxes breaking apart?
NEWMAN: [shrugging] Budget cuts.
[Just then alarms sound and flashing lights are seen. A number of police cars pull up. A spotlight shines on Kramer and Newman, who are frozen in panic.]
POLICE MEGAPHONE: Police! Stay where you are!
[Newman turns to run but makes it about 15 feet and then stops, panting with his hands on his knees.]
NEWMAN: Curse you Ben and Jerry’s! Why must you be so delicious?!
[Kramer also turns to run, but slips on steaks and ice that are all over the ground and falls down. A police officer in a mask stands them both up and puts them in handcuffs.]
POLICE OFFICER: We got word that some steaks were going to be moved through the illegal use of a U.S. Postal Truck. And during a pandemic! Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?
KRAMER: [with a weak smile and holding up a trampled, dirty steak] Could I interest you in some Grade A Omaha steak, officer?
[Elaine is sitting on the couch in her apartment. It’s dark and quiet.]
ELAINE: [Peering into the bedroom, whispering to herself] Finally, I thought he’d never fall asleep. I have to get this guy out of here.
[She picks up the phone and dials a number].
ELAINE: Hello? Is this the Goose?
MYSTERIOUS DEEP VOICE: They call me the Goose, yes. Are you ready to proceed with the extraction?
ELAINE: Yes, yes, fine.
MYSTERIOUS DEEP VOICE: Do you have what I asked for?
ELAINE: Yes, I have it.
MYSTERIOUS DEEP VOICE: Meet me in Central Park at midnight. Come alone.
ELAINE:[confused] Um shouldn’t I bring him with me?
MYSTERIOUS DEEP VOICE: Oh…right, yes. Bring him with you. Do not be late!
[The phone call ends. Elaine walks into the bedroom.]
ELAINE: Chad? Chad? Wake up! [shakes him] Pack up your things! We’re going for a little ride.
[Elaine smiles deviously as Chad awakens with a confused look.]
[Setting: Central Park, it’s dark outside, nearly midnight. Elaine and a confused looking Chad walk into a secluded area. Another figure, hooded and mysterious, approaches them.]
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: Did you bring what I asked?
ELAINE [taking a package out]: Yeah, I have what you wanted. You’re the Goose?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: [eyeing the package greedily] Yes, they call me the Goose. That stuff is like gold right now. Well, hand it over!
[The man reaches forward to reveal a large package of toilet paper. As the man reaches forward, a gust of wind knocks the man’s hood off. Elaine squints in the darkness as she recognizes the figure.]
ELAINE: Uncle Leo? Is that you? You’re the Goose?
UNCLE LEO: [abashed and looking around wildly] Elaine! I, uh, yes, well I used to run people across the border back in the 70s. I thought maybe I could earn a little extra coin picking it back up again. [he laughs nervously]
CHAD: Elaine, you were going to have this man smuggle me back into Canada? You know they’re letting Canadian citizens back across the border right? I thought you wanted to spend time with me. You could have just asked me to leave if you didn’t want me around, eh?
ELAINE [turning to Chad and erupting]: You knew you could go home this whole time and you’ve been staying at my apartment?!
[She swings her empty bag at him. As she does, a masked police officer runs towards them]
POLICE OFFICER: Halt! Stop what you’re doing! We got word that an illegal human trafficking operation was underway in Central Park. You’re all under arrest for conspiracy to illegally traffic human cargo across the border to Canada. Let’s go.
UNCLE LEO: [with a look of horror] No, I can’t go back there!
[Uncle Leo turns to run. He immediately slips on a pile of wet leaves and goes down with a thud and a painful groan.]
ELAINE [rolling her eyes and turning around]: Oh brother!
[Setting: Police station. A number of officers are mulling around, wearing masks. George, Kramer, Elaine, Chad, Newman, and Uncle Leo are sitting in a cell together, looking cramped and uncomfortable.]
POLICE OFFICER: Well, we’re out of cells so you six will have to be quarantined together until we can release you. Could be a couple of days.
[He walks away.]
ELAINE: [looking around suspiciously] What I want to know is how they knew we were going to be in Central Park. The only people who knew we were going there were me, Chad, and Uncle Leo. Except…Kramer! You told the police!?
KRAMER: [looking abashed] They threatened me Elaine! Said I had to tell them everything I knew!
ELAINE: [menacingly] I think they meant about your illegal steak smuggling operation, not every illegal activity you’ve ever been aware of.
KRAMER: [looking thoughtful] Now that I think about it, yes, they may have meant that. I may have sold you out Elaine, but not before I was sold out myself! Who else knew I was running Steaks with Newman? Who talked?
[Kramer looks around. George looks guilty sitting in the corner. They all turn and look at him.]
GEORGE:[squirming under their gazes] It wasn’t my fault! They threw me in here and I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
NEWMAN: [his voice rising] So you gave us up? You son of a -
KRAMER: Newman, no!
[Newman, stumpy arms swinging wildly, starts towards George, who shirks back. The others restrain Newman.]
GEORGE: [pleadingly] I can’t help it… I come from a long line of squealers! My father was a squealer! And my grandfather before him! It’s long been a family secret that Deep Throat was a Constanza.
[The police officer walks back up.]
POLICE OFFICER: [looking at George] OK you were here first, so you’re the first to get a phone call.
GEORGE: [looking at the others] Don’t worry, Jerry will get us out of this.
[George walks out of the cell and to the phone. He picks it up and calls Jerry.]
GEORGE: [in an urgent tone] Jerry! Jerry, you gotta help us! They got us all locked up down here! They have Uncle Leo!
JERRY: Who is this?
GEORGE: Jerry! You know very well who this is! We’re all stuck down here at the police station and you need to come get us.
JERRY: Let me get this straight. You all decided to go on a little crime spree while the whole city was on lockdown and now you’re all in jail. And you want me to come down there to a virus- infested police station and bail you all out! Well I won’t do it.
GEORGE: [pleading] Jerry you have to come! We’ll be stuck in here all night if you don’t.
JERRY: Well that’s a shame. Goodnight George!
[Jerry hangs up. George looks disappointedly back at the group. He walks back to the cell and sits down as the officer closes the gate and the others glare at him.]
CHAD: [squirming with his legs crossed] Elaine, may I please use the bathroom?
[Elaine looks at Chad with disgust, and slumps back into her chair].
GEORGE: [looking around] Anybody have some mints?
Editing by Tim Wager and David Lindahl